Cruise Report Part I

Who, What, When, Where and Why: In no particular order.

Well first of all I should tell you that I wasn’t supposed to take this cruise. I signed up for it after my first cruise with the sole intention of getting the discount and then rolling to the Med cruise this summer. But then life got in the way and I kind of got distracted, and by the time I remembered this, I was going to loose like $600 in cancellation/re-booking fees. So I said, “The Caribbean in January? Sure, why not!” And it was a good thing. I needed to get away from work. And there’s nothing like being on a ship with 3200 gay men to take you mind off work. You’re more worried about your neck twisting off while trying to check everyone out.

Okay, it wasn’t completely gay. There were some straight women friends along for the ride (aka fag hags), some lesbians, and even a Mom or two. But Atlantis bills this as the largest gay cruise and with over 3200 people on board, I’d say they were right. But it was mainly men of all shapes, sizes, and ages. I again was probably in the upper section of the bell curve when it came to age, but not by much.

Leaving out of Miami, we headed south to Cozumel, then to Grand Cayman, and then to Royal Caribbean’s private island resort called Labadee. Unlike my last two cruises where I went alone, I actually had a friend with me this time. However, he had met some guy just before the cruise and so he spent a lot of time focusing on his new boy friend. Our schedules and activities didn’t quite match, but we had a good time together.

Tulum.

Tulum is this amazing seaside Mayan ruin just south of Cancun on the Yucatan peninsula. We had to anchored off of Cozumel since the big pier had been destroyed by Hurrican Wilma. We left the ship via tender and went directly to Playa Del Carmen on the Mexico mainland. There we had a one hour bus ride to get to Tulum (not counting in the mandatory tourist trap stop). My only experience with Mayan ruins was my trip to Belize a couple of years ago and I was looking forward to seeing the large ruins at Tulum. The bus ride down was long, but I napped for most of it. We got to the site and the tour guide started to drone on and I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore, so I bailed from the group and wandered on my own.

It was just amazing.


The ruins are pretty well preserved and that’s partly because they have restricted access to the ruins so you can’t climb them anymore. But we could still get pretty close and look at these ancient ruins. The funny thing is that the hurricane destroyed the pier in Cozumel last year, but it didn’t do any real damage to these buildings built thousands of years ago. How amazing is that? The sun was out and it was getting hot as I wandered around the site. The village is a walled city with the exception of one side that has these very picturesque cliffs that overlook this pretty beach. There were lots of people on the beach and in the water swimming.

The water was so many different beautiful shades of blue and green and looked so refreshing and inviting and I was kicking myself for not thinking of bring a bathing suit. I would have jumped in commando if no one had been there. But not with other people and families present. We spent about 2.5 hours there and it was really fascinating and pretty. But hot! I was ready for the air conditioning on the bus ride back.

Dinner with the Porn Star

So have you ever been some place and you see someone you know, but you aren’t sure who they are or why you know them?

After returning from Tulum, we had dinner in the main dining room and as I was looking around, I saw someone at the table across from me up against the glass wall looking out over the ocean. He was hot! Short hair, a dark scruffy yummy goatee going, and I could see a little bit of a tattoo on his really nice biceps peaking out from his shirt sleeve. So while everyone was chatting about their day in Cozumel, I’m checking out the hottie trying to wrack my brain to figure out who this guy is and how I know him. So I’m staring. And I realize that I’m staring, but it’s killing me. And then it finally hits me. He’s a porn star and I’ve actually got several of his movies. So I know him, but I don’t really *know* him. Here's a pic from the White Party. He's the one on the right.

I’m afraid to know what it means when I think I know someone from a porn movie. And that’s definitely a rhetorical question. No answers are needed.

Another vacation!

Yep, I'm running away for another vacation. My timing is pretty good as the weather here is getting pretty cold and considering that I'm just losing it at work.

No email, no phones, no one bugging me and no one dumping their problems on me. But wait, that's not all!

Warm tropical islands. Cool frothy drinks poolside while hotties wander by. Yes, it all sounds so good.

A full trip report when I return next week.

When a Pop Star Sings?

Do pop stars sing to their own music when they are driving?

Or rather, I should say, do pop stars sing to their own music when they are being driven somewhere? Cause really, what kind of pop star are you if you are driving your own car?

So for example, when Kelly Clarkson (love her!) is being driven around LA and gets stuck in a traffic jam, does she sing to her own song on the radio, or does she wait for a Britney Spear's song or a Beyonce song?

Hmm, bad example. That would be like "American Idol in a Car". Her singing someone else's songs. Not so much. So I'm thinking no, she doesn't sing along to other people's songs.

So the question remains: Does she sing along with her own songs?

And what does she think about the thousands of people who are singing along with her while trapped in their cars?

Diversity

So the USNA Alumni Association Board of Trustees won’t support a non-discrimination statement that includes sexual orientation or gender identity. Their reasoning: we’re already an inclusive organization and we don’t need that. This coming from the very diverse Board of Trustees that is made up of all men, and only one African American. Nice. What they told USNA Out was that we needed to prove that we were being discriminating against at the local chapters. Any proof would surely be hearsay, but that’s what they said.

So knowing that the DC chapter would probably be one of the most conservative alumni chapters, I decided that I would go to a meeting to see how inclusive they really were. But the problem was that I just didn’t want to go up to some one and say, “Hi, I’m Trey, Class of 89, and I’m gay.” I needed to work some angle or look for some opportunity and it happened this week. The Greater Washington Naval Academy Alumni Association was hosting their monthly luncheon and CAPT Patricia Cole, the Special Assistant to the CNO for Diversity was going to be the speaker. So this would be a great time for me to raise the issue of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and put myself out there with out really outing myself in some strange artificial fashion.

As I drove out to the Army Navy Country Club in Arlington, I called Jeff in SF to help me work up a good question. We came up with something like this: “CAPT Cole, thanks for coming here, I really appreciate your brief and am a strong believer in diversity. However, there is a group of US citizens who are not allowed to use their energy, skills, and talent to help the Navy. What are your thoughts about allowing gays and lesbians to openly serve in the Navy?” I sat in the parking lot and wrote the question down so I wouldn’t mess it up and then I went inside, signed in, got a drink and did a quick surveillance of the room. There were maybe 30 people there. Three active duty officers (in addition to CAPT Cole), a couple of women, and then the rest were men. Primarily from the older classes of the Academy. CAPT Cole was the only ethnic minority there. I sat a table with two alumni and we had a pleasant conversation. One of them was from the Class of 49 and a little bit senile, but he did tell the most interesting stories.

After lunch, CAPT Cole got up and gave her presentation. The Navy has come up with a new definition of diversity: “Diversity is all the different characteristics and attributes of individual Sailors and civilians which enhance the mission readiness of the Navy.” The Navy wanted to get people out of the mind set of only thinking of ethnic or gender diversity and look at the broader picture. She did say that while they were looking at other diversity issues, she was mainly going to focus on ethnic and gender diversity. She said that she wasn’t going to talk about homosexuality, but she did say that a senior officer on the Diversity Vision Group had raised the issue and but she couldn’t really address it. Her comment sort of made my question irrelevant, so as I listened to her brief, I started to think about a new way to raise the issue.

She showed slides about the current US demographics and how the Navy relates from an officer and enlisted perspective. She also showed the projected demographics for 2050 and talked about how the Navy needs to be looking at what it needs to do between now and then to ensure we have the diverse Navy, and Navy leadership, that we need. And that’s when I knew I had my question.

After the brief, she entertained questions and they were interesting. One alumni raised the issue on whether sailors think of themselves as lifers anymore. That all of this stressing of the individual was a bad thing. That sailors now were so individualistic that they thought of the Navy as just a job, not a career. CAPT Cole responded that in today’s young sailors, you need to reassure the sailor that his worth as an individual was recognized and valued. After a couple of other questions, I raised my hand, but some alumni from ’51 cut me off. He proceeded to comments that sometimes diversity for diversity sake is a bad thing. We don’t want to make diversity the end goal. And CAPT Cole responded that the Navy wasn’t going to be changing our core values: Ship, shipmate, self. But that we need to take advantage of the different skills that our diverse nation has. Then the ’51 guy started saying that we don’t necessarily want to just let anyone in. And then he said, “Those blacks” and I just cringed. “We don’t want those blacks if they can’t meet the standards. We need to make it hard so those blacks want to join.” CAPT Cole (who is African American and was just the epitome of professionalism) responded that the Navy wasn’t lowering standards. That in fact the Navy’s recruitment’s standards were actually rising. After she responded to him, she turned to me for the final question of the day.

“CAPT Cole, I just want to say that I found your brief very informative and I like the new definition of diversity very much. I also think it’s good that your team is looking forward to the diversity challenges of the future. However, I do want to raise the homosexuality issue that you alluded to before. Sooner or later “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is going to be repealed, there are already over 100 sponsors to the Military Readiness Enhancement Act, and the United States is just one of two countries in NATO that don’t allow gays and lesbians to serve openly in the Navy, the other being Turkey. When is the Navy going to start looking at the unique talents and skills that the gays and lesbians in the United States can offer to help enhance the Navy.” And that point I almost choked. I was really nervous and I could feel my pulse pounding in my head.

CAPT Cole started off by saying that she couldn’t do anything about it right now because she’s constrained by law. But she did say that this was an issue that the Navy was going to have to deal with eventually. She mentioned the senior officer’s concern from the Diversity Vision group, she mentioned the business imperative to recruit high quality candidates, she mentioned that if the Navy is going to reflect the US society then changes will be needed. She also said that society as a whole generally has a negative view of an organization that supports discrimination and the US military is going to have to deal with that.

I thought she answered the question pretty well without making any grandiose or earthshaking comments which I think she knew better than to do. The whole time she responded to my question, I kept my focus on her so I didn’t get a chance to check out the reaction of the rest of the crowd. After she answered my question, they gave her a little plate and the luncheon was over. The alumni to my right was friendly and said that I had asked a good question. After that, I went over to thank CAPT Cole for answering my question. While I was waiting to speak to her, a woman came up to me and said she was from Verizon and she commented on my question as well. She said that from a commercial industry perspective, diversity and openness is key to employee recruiting and retention. And that the Navy is going to have to address it at some point.

By the time I thanked CAPT Cole, the room was emptying pretty quickly and I had to get back to work. So I never did get a chance to gauge the reaction of my question to the rest of the alumnis. But the next meeting is Feb 15^th. I’m going to try to attend that one as well.

"Did You Take An Awkward Pill?"

Great line from the West Wing last night. Now that I finally have my Tivo back up and running, I'm trying to catch up on some of my favorite shows.

So my weekend has been a futile quest for love or lust amongst the leather and latex set that gathered in DC for the weekend for MAL. I wandered among the various fetish booths at the hotel and then hung out at the bar trying to see what trouble I could find. But put that many gay men in a single location and it's like you've just dumped 1000 children into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Why have the chocolate bar, when you never know what new devilish chocolate delight will be around the corner. And it's not like gay men aren't ADD when it comes to sex anyways. Jimbo's description from last year is spot on.

While I want a BF (boy friend), I'm willing to settle for a FB (f*&kbuddy, or as we say in polite company, "a friend with benefits") for now. But every time I go to one of these events, it reminds me why I'm not into any of the normal gay scenes. I'm too old and out of shape to be a circuit boy, not to mention unwilling/unable to partake of the requisite party drugs. I'm too cute and normal and usually clean shaven to be in the leather scene. While I saw lots of hot muscle guys with tatoos that would definitely fit the bill for FB's, it's all of the red, yellow, and brown hankies and stripes on their leather that scares me off. I'm definitely not into that. And don't even get me started on the guys with welts on their back. Ugh.

So basically I am the Goldilocks of the gay scene, looking for the one that's just right, but trying them all, just in case.

I did don what leather I had and went to the big dance last night at Nation. It was packed and surprisingly enough, the music had a lot of vocals to it. Which was nice for a change. I did have a good time and I will say it was a friendlier crowd than usual. Unfortunately I only ran into people I've met before and didn't want to see again. That's my luck.

The ironic moment of the night is when Fergie starts singing about her lovely lady lumps to a cavernous room full of hot half naked gay men. To give Chris Cox some props, toward the end of the mix, he did manage to dub in "hairy manly nuts." And even more ironically, I think I like Fergie's version better.

Weird Week

It's been a really weird week. Busy and strange and frustrating and inspiring and tiring all at the same time.

The wonderfully freakishly warm weather was caused a lot of fog. I love that. I like that way the fog sort of softens everything. It takes the harsh edge off everything. The day's aren't too bright, the nights aren't too dark. It's just this grey world and doesn't seem to threatening.

On Thursday I drove across the Key Bridge in the fog and it was kind of spooky and magical. When I to to my office, which on the 6th floor of a building overlooking the Potomac, I could see where the layer of fog ended. Like someone leveling icing on a cake, there was an broad layer of fog blanketing the ground. The fog was a bit pink and orange as the sun was trying to break it's way through. And there, in the distance, was the Washington Monument, breaking through the layer of fog and shining brightly. It was just an amazingly beautiful morning.

Work has been the usual madness and chaos and I am so looking forward to this weekend. In addition to it being a long weekend, it's also MAL this weekend. So I'll be venturing forth in some of my more unusual garb to see if I can find some trouble.

My "Fit by 40" program has not gotten off to a good start. There have been some bad days, and some good days. All things in time I know. I just need to try to maintain the focus and have more good days than bad days. That being said, in two weeks I'm going to be in a bathing suit on a ship full of body image obsessed gay men. Yeah, that's going to do wonders for my self esteem.

All The World's A Stage

Went to the gym tonight. My usual trainer is taking bartending classes, so he hooked me up with another guy. This new trainer was C-U-T-E! But I'm trying to be all professional and serious about everything as we train.

Anyways, the good thing about a substitute trainer is that they always under estimate the amount of weight I can lift. Which is good becuase I get to slack off a bit. My trainer knows me too well for that. Anyways, the substitute trainer (ST) noticed that I was lifting stuff pretty easily and that he needed to jack the weight up. I made the comment that I need to work on my acting. If I act like it's killing me to lift the weight, then he won't increase the weight.

A little bit later he asked about my USNA t-shirt. He asked if I had gone there and I said yes. He asked about what the obligation was. Four years, he asked? Five I said. But I stayed in for 11 because it took me awhile to figure out that it wasn't quite right for me. Sort of a glib response, but I figured it was harmless. And then he makes a comment about me acting in the Navy. And I was doing some exercise at the time and it really didn't register, but I guess it was true. While I was in the Navy, I was acting like I was a certain type of person.

I guess I'm still acting now, but I think my character is a bit richer, a bit fuller, a bit more human.

Will no one rid me of this meddlesome law?

Looking at the various machinations of the Bush administration, the quote from King Henry II rings in my head: “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?”

For those who don’t know the story, King Henry II appointed his friend Thomas Becket to be the Archbishop of Canterbury in 1162 in England. King Henry II was looking at ways to control the Catholic Church in England, a threat to his royal power, and he thought by putting his guy in charge, that he could impose his will on the church. But once installed as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Becket’s loyalty shifted to the church and created quite a conflict between these once close friends. In 1170, Becket refused to re-instate two bishops who he had previously excommunicated for their support of the king, and when King Henry II heard this, it’s claimed that he shouted: "What sluggards, what cowards have I brought up in my court, who care nothing for their allegiance to their lord. Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest." Four knights heard this cry and went to the Cathedral in Canterbury where they attacked Becket and split his skill as he clung to the altar.

I think this quote resonates with me as I think about George Bush sitting in the White House saying “I need to torture people to get information to fight the war on terror, but the law prevents it. Will no one rid me of this meddlesome law?” And surrounding him are lawyers and other administration cronies, looking to support their liege, who work tirelessly through the night and even darker days to twist every law and statute to create at best a very shaky legal position to support torture. Or detaining of enemy combatants. Or extraordinary rendition. Or wire tapping of US citizens.

It seems that Bush’s “knights” have been working hard to rid him of those meddlesome laws. Those meddlesome laws that he swore and oath to obey.

In what it seems is the long night that is becoming the United States in the 21^st century, there are beacons of light. When the military service JAG senior officers came out opposing the “military interrogation techniques” (i.e. torture), there was a flicker of hope that these atrocities would be stopped. Then the McCain amendment was passed, it seemed like a ray of hope had emerged and that the administration would finally realize that these are not meddlesome laws. These are the laws of the land. They are the laws that characterize the United States as a defender of freedom, of liberty, of democracy. They are the reason that the United States is respected and admired around the world (or was).

But Bush’s knights couldn’t let the little people stop him from carrying out his God given duty. So in another form of legalistic mumbo jumbo, the knights have come up with something called the “signing statement.” It gives the king, I mean president, the ability to sign a law, but then to basically say that he may or may not enforce, respect, or follow the law. And how quickly that ray of hope has been extinguished.

In the mean time, the president continues to spy on the US public (for their own good of course) in clear contradiction of existing laws. Oh the knights have come up with the legal framework to explain why it’s okay for the president to break the law, but let’s make no mistake that it’s breaking the law. If the FISA court was not supportive of the war on terror (which it clearly is since it’s granted all but something like 5 wire taps in the past 4 years), or if the FISA law didn’t allow for short fuse wire taps and the ability to get permission after the fact (which it does), or if the FISA system didn’t work, then I think some changes to the FISA law would be in order. But this was all done outside of the FISA system WHILE it was still working. This illegal spying and wiretapping was done in parallel with other government agencies actually using the system. So either the system works and you broke the law for no reason, or the system doesn’t work and you need to fix it. Not just ignore it when it's inconvienent. But fixing it, if it really needs fixing, would take time and effort.

But unfortunately the knights are too busy to do anything like that. They need to keep working to help build a “legal framework” to explain the next arrogant over-reach of executive power that is needed to support the never ending war on terror. Stayed tuned, you know it’s not over yet.

Gym Attire

In keeping with my Fit By 40 program, I went to the gym tonight. It was hell. It was packed with people, everyone being dedicated to their New Years Resolutions. Atleast for this week. Come mid-late February, I suspect that it will be back to normal. Until then, I'll just have to deal and be flexible when it comes to cardio machines.

Tonight I did the elliptical, but it was not one of my usual elliptical machines. Yes if you go to a certain gym all of the time, you have your favorite machines. Some of the ellipticals are positioned so you can watch TV, some aren't. The Rosslyn Gold's is a strangely arranged gym. Anyways, I got stuck on an elliptical where I couldn't watch TV. So I was jamming to my music, and just people watching.

Which brings us to our subject: gym attire.

I know there are formal rules. You must wear a shirt. And it's got to cover your chest. Thought some guys really push that. But I'm talking beyond that. Looking at the people, you can see certain trends and categories.

The newbies are broken into two basic categories. New Clothes vs. Old Clothes. The New Clothes types who want to be really dedicated to their work out and have bought new clothes as part of their motivation. Lots of micro fiber and spandex. Which can be good or it can be bad. If they haven't been to the gym in a while, then it's usually the later. The old clothes types wander around the gym in old sweats and ratty t-shirts. There is no attempt to look good. They are there to work out so they can look good outside of the gym.

The oldtimers can be broken down by the type of work out they do (or don't in some circumstances). The weightlifters have their own uniform. Usually cotton t-shirts, some Underarmour shirts, then baggy shorts. While the cardio queens are in their tights and t-shirts. My favorite of course are the poseurs who are usually wander around in whatever will make them look good while they lounge on the machines and randomly pick up a weight every ten minutes. Hate them.

And me? I'm a weightlifter who does a lot of cardio. And my clothes are a mix of old and new. I've got some t-shirts that are so holey they should be blessed. But I love them. And I've got some newer stuff. So it just depends.

Happy New Years!!!!

Okay, 2006 is going great already! One my New Years resolutions was rock hard abs. Check. Got that. Okay, sure. Technically they are bronze and not really mine. And actually that's not even my statue, but details people, mere details!

My New Years Eve was oddly fun. After making no plans until Friday, some friends and I decided to go to this fundraiser called "SEXE" for the Actors Theatre of Washington. It was at the Source Theatre and it was a blast. We ate, drank, danced, and watched a pretty decent drag show (and I'm not really into drag shows), but it was fun. The drinking started early with a couple of drinks at my place. Then we had some more drinks at the party. Needless to say after the party, we were all toasted. Which explains why I carried the statue H bid on and won at the silent auction down 14th St at 145AM on New Years Day. And then we hit Halo to get another drink. Well, they drank, not I. And for some reason the bartenders were not happy at Halo. But now that I think about it, I really can't blame them. It was 2AM and they were trying to close. But everyone did comment about my hard body. That I was carrying. We met another lost soul there and the next thing you know we are going to JRs. When will the madness stop? I finally bailed, taking Mr. Perky Nipples with me. He was a bit cold when I go home. And I am so glad I left when I did as I was a bit hungover on Sunday. I've heard there were shots done after I left. That would have been so not pretty.

Okay, on to more serious stuff. New Years Resolutions. My biggie is to lose weight. I've established the "Fit By 40" program and have even set up weight loss targets for the next four months. I've got a whole year, but I am the king of procrastination so I want to start now. Plus with my trip to Europe in September, I want to look FABULOUS by then. I went back to my trainer today and my goals is to do some sort of cardio 5 times a week. Which I think is totally do able. But really what I need to work on is my diet. I'm a big time stress eater so that's what I need to figure out. What to do when I'm stressed out that doesn't involve slamming Cokes or munching on chocolate. More importatnly, what I need to do is figure out how to cut out the stress. So that's part of my goal. I haven't quite figured that part out yet, but I'm working on it.

I hope everyone had a safe and fun new years eve. Welcome to 2006!

Meltdowns and other family fun!

Have you ever seen a 4 or 6 year old just completely melt down? We'll let me tell you, it's not pretty. Not pretty at all.

Incident #1. The day before Christmas Eve, I mention to my sister that Mom will really be upset if we don't go to some sort of church service on Christmas Eve. My sister agrees and we decide to go to the children's service at the lutheran church where my niece goes to pre-school. Well my nephew (CR) heard the news and just lost it.

"I don't want to go to church."
"I don't WANNA GO TO CHURCH."
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHURCH."
"I DON'T WANNA GO TO CHURCH!!!"

Over and over and over again. No amount of reasoning or discussion was possible. And of course my Mom is not too thrilled that this is his reaction to going to Christmas Eve service. I swear it was almost like he had been forced to go to church ever day for the past year where they burned him with a hot poker. It was just insane. He finally got so worked up that he couldn't stop crying and my sister physically took him upstairs for a time out. When he was gone, the silence was deafening. Of course, I had to be the smart ass, "So I think CR doesn't want to go to church." I got "the look" from Mom.

Incident #2. Christmas Day. My niece (CD) has gotten this toy called a balloon rocket. It's basically this hand pump that is used to pump up really long balloons and then you release them into the air and they basically shoot around like rockets. Very low tech, but cool. So after we had opened all of the gifts, we headed to the local playground so CD and CR could play with their gifts. And we had picked up another little girl (M) who was a friend of CD as well. We get to the playground and we start playing with the balloon rocket. Now CD is only 4 and still hasn't quite captured some of the nuances of sharing. What that means is that you need to take turns with M and CR using the balloon rocket. Well it was the favorite toy of the moment so it just couldn't not be shared and CD started to get upset when her older brother took the balloon rocket. She freaked, grabbed it back, and started shrieking: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

MINE!

It was just awful. And of course, how appropriate on Christmas Day. She kept shrieking and eventually got herself so worked up that she couldn't stop crying either. It was just brutal to watch, to experience. I really don't see how my sister deals with it.

As for the other family fun? Dad was awkward at first, and then loosen up a bit. Atleast I think so. He wouldn't take a hug when I first arrived, I got the handshake. But I sort of forced a hug on him when I left.

Enroute to the playground before the horrible balloon rocket incident, my B-n-L asked me if my Dad got me anything for Christmas. And actually he didn't. But I shouldn't feel too special, he didn't get my B-n-L anything either. And I don't think that really means anything. He got my Mom and my sister a cheesey gift (gift giving is not really his thing) and he really is self centered, so he may not have even consciously realized it. And that's okay. He would have probably gotten me cheesey gift and then I would have to figure out what to do with it! ; )

Christmas Eve

We've made the cookies for Santa and are about to put oats out for Santa's reindeers! Needless to say I'm having a great time in LA with my niece and nephew and I'm so looking forward to tomorrow morning. They are at that age now where they "get" Christmas, where they still believe in Santa Claus, where there is still magic and hope in this world. It really is so wonderful.

In this time of year, may we all take a moment to be thankful for all the blessings in this life. May we give our thoughts and prayers to those who are living in fear, poverty, or hunger where ever they are in the world. May there be peace, even if it's just for one day, around the world.

"And to all of us: may we give, and recieve, love in greater measure than any of us can now imagine." - John Hazlehurst from the Colorado Springs Independent.

Merry Christmas everyone!

BrokeBack Mountain

Well I saw Brokeback Mountain, not once, but twice last weekend. It really is a great movie and I've been thinking about it alot.

Sometimes I'll see or read something and it will resonate with me. I'll be able to see a parallel in my life that is being shown on the screen or described in a book. It's obvious not exactly the same, but similar in some shape or fashion.

Heather Ledger's character Ennis is the one that made me think. It may seem odd, but in my mind I was thinking about the similarities between life in a small town in Wyoming in the 1960s and life in the military. Even today, but especially almost 20 years or so ago when I was just starting out in the Navy, the thought of living my own life, with another guy, just didn't seem real. When you've seen guys pulled off the ship in less than 2 hours to ensure *their* safety, you realize that just minding your own business isn't enough. The military community is small. People talk. It's not like the word isn't going to get out at some point. And while you may or may not be subject to physical harm, say goodbye to any career you might want to have. That's Ennis' world.

So you adapt, withdraw, hide. Maybe date a girl. Not out of any real desire or love, but for convenience. And how easy could that diversion become a permanent reality if kids get involved? It's easy to see how Ennis, or anyone, could get trapped in that situation. And then what do you do? Deny yourself and live a lie, go through the motions, survive?

One of the things the movie did was make me appreciate being out now. Sure I was a late bloomer, but I can't even imagine what I would be like, how unhappy I would be, or how dead I would feel inside, if I were still in the closet. Still denying who I was and denying myself the opportunity to be happy, to be loved.

It's been interesting reading some of the various blogs about the movie. And Andrew Sullivan, as usual, is very eloquent:

"Heath Ledger was magnificent in his indirection - this was a rare movie in which the anguish of the outwardly conforming, "straight-acting" gay man was exposed in all its raw pain. Three scenes remain in my mind. There's a shot after the two men leave each other for the first time when Ennis [Ledger] stays upright and walks nonchalantly as his lover drives away. But then, as soon as his beloved is out of sight, he collapses in emotional pain, punching a wall in agony, even then having to deflect the suspicion of a stranger. The moment when they reunite - its passion, its need, its depth - ravishes with insight into what love truly is. Then there's the scene when Ennis' wife finally confronts him - and you can see the damage done to so many lives by the powerful, suffocating evil of homophobia. So many lives. Sometimes I start to imagine how much accumulated human pain has been inflicted for so many centuries on so many gay hearts and souls, and then I stop. It's too much. We are slowly healing; but some wounds will never heal; and they are inscribed on the souls of millions in the past - the ones who persecuted, the ones who suffered, the ones who never let themselves be loved - or saw it briefly once, feared it and lived their lives in the lengthening shadow of their regrets."

I'm lucky that I've never been persecuted, or suffered. But sometimes I wonder if I'm one of those who never let themselves be loved.

IN*F$%KING*SANE

I swear I'm a relatively rational person. I usually am pretty calm about things. But refinancing my condo has just pushed me to the edge and it's taken ALL of my strength not to completely f&^king snap.

So in November I get a call from the guy I did my mortgage with. He's moved to a new company and wants to know if I want to refinance. I did one of the monthly MTA ARMS when I bought my condo and while I could be going the interest only route, I've been paying the 30 year payment option. But the interest rates on the MTA has been going up and up, so I figured it was time to lock into a interest rate and my mortgage guy (MG) suggested a 5 year ARM. I told him to work up the paperwork and let me see what it looked like.

So I get the Good Faith Estimate (GFE) and I look it over. I am not an expert on this and I pretty much look at the fees which aren't too excessive and I see on the bottom line that I'll get around $1000 back at the settlement. So that's sweet. So we move forward with the loan, get the condo appraised, etc. The settlement is set for the 9th of December.

That morning I get a call from my MG. He's seen the HUD-1 (the official paperwork) and it's a bit different from the GFE. So he faxes it to me. A bit different? Instead of getting around $1k at the settlement, I need to bring $5600 to the table. WTF?!?! So I call him and I'm just freaking out. He explains to me that there are two problems. One is that my December mortgage payment didn't clear my old mortgage company, and two, he forgot to add the interest for the new loan, and the pre-paid taxes for the new mortgage company to pay my taxes with. So I'm freaking out and I decide to push the settlement to the 16th. That will give my December mortgage check time to process and then that will reduce the amount I owe. Since my MG messed up the GFE big time, he's going to give me a lenders credit, and then roll what's left into the loan.

Despite that my check was mailed on the 28th of November, it never makes it to my mortgage company. So I cancel that check and I express mail a new one to them. It arrives on the 15th. So I go to the new settlement on the 16th and I look at the new HUD-1 and now I owe $2600 and some change. Hello, could someone give me a heads up on this. The Lawyer-Lackey (LL) explains to me what is happening and that while someone at the company may have signed for reciept fo the mortgage check, it hasn't been processed yet, so the loan payoff amount doesn't show that payment. Okay, this is why I had postponed the settlement the first time and my MG either didn't know this or didn't tell me. So here I am sitting at the table in the Title company and I am NOT happy. Believe it or now, at Christmas time I don't really have $2600 just laying around. So the LL tries to calm me down and explains that while I'm going to settle today, they wait three days to process the loan. There's some law where you get the "right of refusal" to basically change your mind. So my "right of refusal" expires at midnight on the 20th and until then they will check with the mortgage company and once the check gets processed, they will update the HUD-1. I'm fuming mad, but I finally relent. I sign all the paperwork and leave.

On the 19th, I get an email from my mortgage company saying they've recieved the check. Duh! But I figure this means it's been processed. So on the 20th, I get an email from my MG. He says that the title company has updated the HUD-1 and the final number is $916. So I get $916 back? Nope, I need to pay $916! And that's when the I lose it. Okay, when my mortgage payment hadn't made it to the mortgage company, I owed $2600. Now when my $2500 mortgage payment DID make it to the mortgage company, I owe an additional $916. So to recap: before I owed $2600. Now I owed $3400 ($2500+916). WTF!?!?!? And I am LIVID. And I can't get ahold my my MG or the LL to find out what the hell is going on and I'm just like f&%k it. I'll cancel the loan. So send the sh!ttiest email to my MG saying that this is all f$%ked up and I'm heading home to get my "right of refusal" paperwork so I can send it in my midnight.

But my MG calls and talks me off the ledge. Apparently the HUD-1 was incorrect (and at this point I'm not surprised). My mortgage payment went mostly to interest, so while I paid $2500, the pay off amount only went down by around a $1000. And I still need to pay interest on the money I am borrowing for the rest of December, so in fact I do owe money, but it's only $600. ONLY! So I told him I would think about it some more.

So I think about the pretty decent interest rate I'm getting and decide to just go through with it. This is like a bad dream and I just want it over at this point. So I don't fill out the paperwork. But I guess I do need to write the Title company a check.

So today I call the Title company to let them know that I'll be there later in the afternoon with a check and just want to confirm the amount. And then just as LL's form monkey hangs up on me she mentioned, "Oh, it needs to be a certified check." WHAT? Great. I am SO glad I planned a trip to my bank today to stand in line to get a certified check.

So finally I made it to the Title Company and the LL is not really sorry at all, it's more like, well these things happen and you should know about it. Hello, I don't do settlements every day. I would expect that the HUD-1 would be correct for all the little fees I'm paying. And how hard is it to COMMUNICATE this information to me.

Yes I know this process sucks. But be honest with me. Tell me up front that it's going to suck. That it's going to cost $4000 to refinance. But don't tell me it's going to be wine and roses and I'm getting $1000 back and then two weeks later it's not really wine, it's koolaid, and it's not really $1000 back, it's actually paying money. And then two weeks later, oh it's kool aid, but it's rotten kool aid and not only am I paying money, but my loan amount has also increased and my monthly payments are going to be more than what you said.

Needless to say, I'm never using MG again or going back to LL. They suck.

Age Inappropriate Clothing

Saturday I broke down and hit the mall. Pentagon City Mall. And it was a serious search and destroy mission. The only Christmas shopping I had done so far was for my niece and nephew and that was via Amazon.com. So I needed to get gifts for the rest of my family. I found some serious princess parking (like 2 spaces from the door), which is good because I didn't want to wear my coat into the mall. I was sure it was going to be packed & hot and I didn't want to be lugging my coat around. I ended up in Macy's where they had some pretty good sales and I got something for almost everyone.

When my sister was in town, we talked about my brother in law (b-n-l). He's a stay at home dad and while I love him, he's a bit odd. He's probably pushing 45 and has taken to growing his hair out a bit. My sister told me that his favorite clothes are what teenagers or early 20-somethings wear in LA. So, I said, "Oh, you mean like age inappropriate clothing?" She said exactly and I joked, "Are you sure he's not gay?" Gay men are all about age inappropriate clothing.

So while I was wandering around Macy's I found this section that was definitely targeting the young urban male section and got my b-n-l a sweat top with Italy on the back (the type I've seen at EVERY gay bar I've been to in the past 2 months) and then a vintage T-shirt that my sister will hate.

So speaking of age inappropriate clothing, I decided to punish myself and go into the Abercrombie and Fitch store and I'm greeted by this:Hello? Do I need this?. Do you need to just hit me in the head? I get it. I'm not young, or buff, and needless to say not the target demographic, but really. Sadly A&F is the uniform du juer among the gay society in DC. So not to have any A&F is truely not acceptable. So I wandered amongst the muscle tees, the faded and ripped jeans, the wrinkled dress shirts and despite the fact there was nothing there for me, I was just jamming to the music. A&F does play very loud music, and it's usually a good mix. So I went up to the lithe, 19th year old sales girl and asked her where they got their music from? I was thinking that maybe they had a CD for sale or something. She said no, they didn't sell it, but she recommended that I look on the internet becuase she thinks they publish the song lists there. So when I got home, I googled and not only did I find some interesting links, I found this: A&F Radio. I'm jamming to it now. ; )

One day when I have a 30 inch waist, 4% body fat, and figure out how to reverse the aging process, I'm going to go into A&F and buy something. But since I don't look like this:
I think I'm going to wait a bit.

It's a Game!

So I've been doing the online personals things for awhile. I'm not really into the whole bar scene. I don't cruise at the gym. And when I'm at work, I'm working. So it's just hard for me to meet decent guys.

So I've been on Match.com and it's been rather hit or miss for me. I have met some good guys, some of them I'm still friends with, and then there have been the not so good guys. My favorite is the guy who casually mentions on our first date that he's a felon. Check please!

So I decided to make a game of it. Literally. I like movies, so I listed ten movie quotes and then who ever got them all correct would win a date with me. I figured it would be something fun and different. Here's what it said:

"It’s just seems like this dating thing is a game anyways, so let’s “play name that movie.” The person with the highest score wins a date:

1. “I hate this city. Everyone's better looking than me.”
2. “You're a handsome devil. What's your name?”
3. “Oh my god, Eli was stalking you? That is so romantic.”
4. “Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good.”
5. “I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.”
6. “Have you ever experimented with heterosexuality?” “What? You mean sleep with a straight guy? What for?”
7. “Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?”
8. “It's only love. What's everyone so scared of?”
9. “Can't fall in love? But a life without love, that's terrible.”
10. “Principles only mean something when you stick to them when its inconvenient.”

Now, I'm not sure if I intimidated everyone, or if everyone looked at my list of movie quotes and figured I was some sort of drama queen or psycho. But after three weeks (and over 150 views) no one even replied to my profile. So what does that mean?

And that's a rhetorical question. I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

If Today Is Your Birthday . . .

You don't have to strive so much this year. The magic is in how well you accept yourself. Because you turn your gentleness toward yourself, you are able to do much more, much more happily. A move in January puts you in opportunity's path. Take a financial risk in June. Your connection with Libra and Taurus people is heart fortifying. Your lucky numbers are: 9, 47, 15, 38 and 2.


To be honest with you, I'm not a big horoscope fan, but this does appeal to me on a couple of different levels. Does this mean that I'll be able to recognize that I'm pushing myself to hard and not beat myself up if I try to relax a little bit? And it will be magic if I make some real improvements in accepting myself. But here's hoping. I'm not planning a move in Janauary, but that probably doesn't mean a physical move. And while I'm not really familiar with any Tauruses (tuauri?), Mom is a Libra.


Speaking of the family, my sister flew into town yesterday for a meeting this morning. Yep a five hour flight from LA to DC for a 4 hour meeting. And she flew back this afternoon. I picked her up at Dulles and after she checked into her hotel, we wandered around Gtown and did some window shopping and then grabbed a bite. It was good to just talk with her and find out how things are going in her life. It's weird what a great relationship we have now. As adults. As opposed to when we were younger. We weren't at each other throats, but it just seems like we get along better and relate to each other better now.


And I'm definitely making progress on the Dad front. He sent me a very touching birthday card and inside he added a couple of things. He wanted to know that he was concerned about my "lifestyle" becuase it puts me at risk. Of gay bashing. Which is true, but wasn't the first thing I thought of when he wrote that. But it's just nice to confirm that he loves and cares about me. And today I got an email from my Dad. Directly. To only me! He was asking about my sister's visit and what her plans are for next year. So I think we are making progress. Which is great cause was starting to get worried about Christmas in LA.

Vodka is not my friend

Despite the flailex with my refinancing (more on that later) I did manage to escape work early and then got to work prepping for the party. Clean the condo, hang some Christmas lights, hit Whole Foods and did some serious damage, came back and started cooking. My timing worked out pretty well as I finished up everything around 645 so I had time to grab a shower before my first guests arrived. Of course, that's when it dawns on me that my beverage selection was not going to cut it. So once J arrived, I bolted over to the liquor stores and picked up a couple of things.

It was a small intimate crowd but we had fun. Eating, talking, and drinking. Lots of drinking. Before going over to Pallette for Thanksgiving dinner, we discovered a nice smooth little twist to a Sea Breeze. Grey Goose L-orange and cranberry juice. It kind of had a holiday flavor. So we started with that. Well, I actually started with a red bull and vodka since I hadn't managed to get my disco nap in. So needless to say, the vodka was flowing. And flowing. Between 8 people, we managed to polish off 2.5 bottles of vodka. So it was not pretty. And I really don't remember how much I had I just remember thinking that my glass was never empty.

Which can only explain why I ended up Cobalt with E dancing. That part gets a little fuzzy. I think I had switched to water at that point, but I was pretty hammered. But we had fun dancing and I think the music was good. Not really sure. And while Cobalt wasn't as packed as Apex probably was, it was a hell of a lot closer to my place when I finally decided that I need to go home. And I needed to go home RIGHT THEN!

Getting out into the cold air helped a bit, but I was still a hurting puppy that night. And when I woke up on Saturday, the first thing I did was congratulate myself on having the foresight to cancel my trainer that morning. I was in no shape to work out at all. In fact, making the periodic trips to the fridge for liquids and to the bathroom, was the only exercise I could handle. I just laid in bed waiting to feel better. And waiting and waiting and waiting. It truely is amazing what crappy TV is on these days.

Around 5PM I started to feel a bit more normal. So I cleaned up the mess in the house and then got ready for the company holiday party.

As I drove to the party E called to ask how I was feeling. Apparently he had suffered as much as I did from the previous night. He joked about going to the White Party at Nation, but we both agreed that was so not going to happen.

The party was fun. I think it's good to see people outside of work. I'm usually so in the zone during the day that I barely have time for the niceties, so it was good to be able to just hang out and chat.

During the cocktail hour, some of the young guns talked about going out to Georgetown after the party. At my first company party I had gotten hammered and had joined them in Georgetown. It was fun. But as is typical with me, I'm having a great time and it's all good. And then there's that one drink that's the tipping point. And when that happens, I have to leave RIGHT THEN. And after some awful shot, I decided that was it, walked out of the bar and got a cab home. And then suffered the whole next day. And after my little vodka episode last night, I wasn't sure going to Georgetown was a good idea. So as the party was breaking up a bit, I silently slipped out of the hotel. I'm sure I'll catch some crap about it. But atleast I feel human right now.

Love Your Hair. Hope you Win!

After escaping work I made it home and then walked into Dupont. I decided I wanted to get a haircut before my little soiree tomorrow night, so I thought I would try a different place. The barber shop I had been going to, while cheap, was not good. So it was time for someplace new.

My hair is a challenge. I've got three cowlicks. So my hair grows weird. And I tend to keep my hair short, which makes it even more unmanageable. I have to use a lot of hair product for it to do anything remotely normal.

I've always had short hair. With my Dad in the army, I always had the buzzcut. When I rebelled at the age of 12 or 13, I was allowed to let it grow out a bit. Never over my ears, or down to my eyes in front. And of course nothing even remotely touching my shoulders. Yikes, I would have looked like a hippy.

Of course then I went to the Naval Academy and then into the Navy so long hair was never an option. And now, long hair sounds interesting, but not practical. Long hair is not professional at all. Unless you are some hippy washed out super geek. Which I am not. And in the gay world, long hair is particularly taboo. I'm attracted to guys with short hair, so I tend to keep my hair short as well. It's all very odd.

But after the holidays I may try to grow it out for a couple of months. If I can do it and not go all Tom Hanks in Castaway. We'll see. Something different atleast.

The Crew Club

No. It’s not a sporting club. It’s an adult, on-site, entertainment club for men. Or, in common terminology, a bath house. Hidden behind a dirty, dingy little façade on one of DC’s main thoroughfares is an honest to goodness sex club. Though I wouldn’t really count on the honest or goodness there.

Of course, I’ve never been in there. Not that I haven’t ever stepped into such an establishment, but I’ve never been in the Crew Club. Someone once explained it to me this way: “You don’t piss in your own sandbox.” And of course, even if you have your favorite room there, you never, ever, admit it.

But seriously, I’ve never been inside. But I see the advertisements for it in the Washington Blade all the time. It’s always some picture of a hot shirtless guy who just wants some fun. Yeah, I’m sure all of the clientele are 22 year old jocks/nymphos. But hey, you need to market to your audience and so that works. It does catch my eye.

For a while, they were promoting the fact that there was a gym on site. I’m sure it’s like a crappy hotel gym with a couple of dumbbells, maybe a stair-master, or a stationary bike. But think about it for awhile, you’re in a sex club. Do you really want to sit on that bike seat? And really, if you’re seriously interested in working out, do you really think a sex club is the right place? On the other hand, I guess you could ask all of those hot shirtless jock/nymphos who are just wandering around for some lifting techniques. Yeah, that’s it.

The new advertisement angle that the Crew Club is using to get customer is the fact it now has Wi-Fi!! Yep, wireless connectivity is now available at the Crew Club. Okay, I have to ask. WTF? Wireless connectivity at a sex club? Am I missing something?

Are you going to go online to ManHunt or M4M and cruise for sex while you are AT a sex club? How lazy are you? Get you ass out of the little cubicle and just wander around! Be social for a change!

Or, is this for your mid-day customer who had to leave the office to “take a meeting” downtown. So there he is working on some marketing spreadsheets while some other guy is giving him a blow job? He’s got one hand on the key board of his laptop and the other on the back of the guy's head pushing it down while saying, “Oh that’s it, YEAH, that’s IT, oh YEAH, oh YEAH, that’s IT, oh YESSS!!!!! I’ve finished my quarterly sale report!!!! Fuck YEAH!!!”