In the weeks and months (and even years) after John died, I would have what I would call grief aftershocks. Something would happen or I would watch or read something that made me think of John and I would lose it for a little bit. A quick cry and then I would recover. I would move on. That's what living is all about.
Now I'm experiencing grief tremors. Like the tremors that you feel before a big earthquake, I'm having these little grief tremors. With Mom's diagnosis, I know she's dying. I know that. But when I go home to see her, she looks fine. Sure a little skinny and frail. But she's fine. And while I think we are all in a little bit of denial about that, sometimes reality breaks through. We'll have lunch and be talking about something normal and then all of a sudden we're taking about what hymns she wants played at her funeral. It's all a bit surreal.
A couple of weeks ago, I got an email that said Pink was releasing a second round of tour dates. I had missed her in DC and really wanted to go. She wasn't coming back to DC, but one of the tour dates was in Denver next April and I thought it would be a great gift for my niece, sister, and BNL. And then I sort of lost it thinking that Mom will probably be gone by then. And then more depressing thought, will she make it to Christmas? A little grief tremor, shaking me with sadness and sometimes a few tears, but then it passes and I'm back to normal.
But am I?