Sixteen Candles

In the summer of 1984 I worked the concession stand at the movie theater at the local mall. It was my first real job and it wasn’t really that much fun. Pro Tip: Never order the “golden topping.” If it doesn’t say “Butter”, just don’t do it. And the story about the fight breaking out during one of our showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show I’ll have to save for another time. But fun fact, I’ve actually never seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know, bad gay. Oh well.

One of the duties I performed every day was to clean up the theaters after the film ends to get them ready for the next showing. So I would slip into the back of the theater for the last 2-3 minutes of the film to catch the ending. And the ending of Sixteen Candles? The best. Sam and Jake sitting on top of the dining room table where he wishes her happy birthday and then they kiss. Who didn’t want that ending? The ugly duckling (who really isn’t that ugly) gets the handsome guy who has a heart to match his good looks. And who didn’t want to get kissed by Jake? So dreamy.

There are so many classic lines from the movie that I still remember. But the one that resonates with me is: “Never being happy isn’t the same as being unhappy, is it?”

And I don’t know why but that quote has been lurking in the dark corners of my mind lately. What does being happy really mean? I’m not sure I know anymore. And I’m not really sure the last time I was really happy. But I do know the near constant state of “not being happy” has shifted into actively being unhappy the last couple of months. Not sure if it’s COVID induced depression (from Delta in July) or really just a bunch of things that have decided now’s the time to coordinate their assault to undermine my mental stability.

It feels weird and uncomfortable and a bit selfish to be depressed. I’ve got my health (for the most part). I’m retired. I’ve got some good friends. I’m lucky really. And normally I would snap out of the occassionaly funk. But that hasn’t happened and it’s now been months and the darkness has not receded.

So it’s 2022 and I’m not sure what I’m doing or where I’m going (and I mean that both literally as well as figuratively since my travel plans, something I used to love, are all in flux). I’m going through the motions of living every day. And I can put on a good face when I’m around other people. Being gay and in the closet for so many years has really given me the ability to fake my way through most situations so no one can see what’s really going on.

At work, I would use to say, “Fake it till you make it.” And I did. i was good at it. And I made it. But at the end was I still fake? Had I been faking it for so long that I lost the real me?

Fun thoughts for the start of 2022, right?